Gym time Shenanigans
Beginner’s Note: Not going to lie… I really just wanted to use the word ‘shenanigans.’ 🙂
So I frequent the gym; on a normal week I’m there 3-4 times a week. Most times I go right after work because I have to be home by 6 to get Greg to lacrosse practice. My favorite thing to do at the gym is not work out (but I must!). Instead, my favorite thing to do to help pass the time is to people watch. I think everyone does this, although I’m not sure if everyone has a similar dialogue in their heads that I do. I tend to, um, pick at people. Sometimes I pretend to be Sherlock Holmes and will come up with someone’s entire life story including family and career while I watch them work out (I firmly believe one guy is a doctor because I’ve noticed he drives a Porsche, is bald, and looks like he’d wear scrubs all day). Other times I guess what they’re thinking (most times this is: “Grrrr! I’m a badass!”). And on a near-daily basis I get into races with people on cardio machines and they don’t even know it- but it’s more fun when they do.
Every gym visit, I spend at least half of my time on a cardio machine, be it an elliptical, treadmill, stationary bike, or something else. Some days this is all I do, and other days I mix in weights, ab work, etc. While I’m working cardio (on any machine) I like to monitor the stats of the people around me- how fast their going, how far they’ve gone, and calories burned. If there is a woman next to me, I race her. Sometimes it’s all about speed if she has been on there longer than me because I know I’m not going to catch up to her other stats. If we got on around the same time, I try to beat her calories burned or distance. Sometimes it’s a matter of just staying on the machine longer than her. I don’t typically do this against a man- I’m not sure if it’s because I’m ok with men beating me (but not other women), or if I’m just not naturally competitive against men.
Yesterday, I was racing (speed) with a woman around my age, and she was really smart because she either does the same thing or realized what I was doing. She started speeding up as well. Here we are, on two ellipticals right next to each other, both averaging a speed of 3.5 mph yet reaching speeds in the 7+ mph range. This continued for several minutes until she tired (I won!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What’s up now chick?!?!) and then she got off the machine. I put her to SHAME!
Now… enter this guy:
Sorry it's blurry- but I was on the elliptical while I took this. That's what I call multitasking!
This guy is what I like to call an “unapparent gym rat.” He’s in there almost every day lifting weights, but has no definition or muscle tone at all, so you’d never see him out in public and think “it’s apparent that guy’s in the gym every day!” He is a white dude in his late 20’s/early 30’s with glasses and a cheap accountant’s hair cut (nothing wrong with accountant’s by the way, it just adds to the story!). He wears his ear buds pulled through his shirt and apparently listens to gangsta’ rap while he ‘shreds muscle.’ I’ve come to this conclusion based on the thug walk he does while walking through the gym floor (you know the one- a little bit of hop to it while kind of dragging one leg… somewhat looking like an injured rabbit) AND the fact that he raps along silently and I’m pretty good at reading lips. I’m almost positive last night he shanked your momma while drinking a 40…
I like to think that he has a professional day job but has a secret life as a wanna-be gangster (not mafia!!) and sometimes he walks around his house on the weekends with specific colored bandanas tied around his head (he ties in various ways to encompass all gangsters he’s seen on TV throughout his life. This would include the biker, the Tupac, Rosie the Riveter, and some other famous ones). He pretends to be a badass because that’s the only time he has fun with his life, because I’m sure his day job is incredibly boring based on his cheap hair cut. I think last year he went as Lil Wayne for Halloween, but has been Tupac (doesn’t seem like a Biggie kind of dude), Warren G., and Snoop Dogg… so I think he’s a bit more West Coast.
He does the same machine for like 30 minutes at a time, mediocre weight, low rep count, TONS of sets. Then he’ll drag his apparently bum/thug leg over to the next machine and do the same. He ONLY works upper body- arms, back and shoulders- but never anything specifically for the chest (you get a little bit of a chest workout by the other 3, but not as good as one specifically for the chest). However, for only doing upper body his arms aren’t even defined whatsoever. He has a slight gut (he really should work some abs) and has the flabbiest calves I’ve ever seen for someone always in the gym. Maybe if he knew I felt this way and that people noticed him he’d switch up his routine and do some full body work, but most likely by the way I’ve analyzed him I think he would just be excited that he managed to get someone’s attention- even if it wasn’t for good.
My favorite part about men lifting weights is the faces they make. They huff, puff, and damn near blow the house down. They grunt, groan, yell, and turn red. Sometimes I just want to say, “Excuse me, sir, but I think you should cut down on the weight and really focus on your form to get a proper workout in.” But some of these roid-heads would probably just punch me in the face, so I keep my mouth shut and just enjoy the show, as (call me weird) but I enjoy having my face in one piece. I’m by no means an expert on working out, but I do understand the how-to’s of a proper lifting session. However, to those men out there that only care about telling their bro’s how much they can lift even if it means damaging something or not having a good strong core, I say thanks for entertaining me and if you ever hurt yourself by being a moron, I’ll be the one taking pictures. 
RentAMomma 
Yo I love it (;